Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think i have two assholes
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
