I am puke
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
