I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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