I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
