I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
