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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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