Just fell off a train. Bad.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
