Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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