She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
