He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
