yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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