she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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