$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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