my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
