never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
