Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
