I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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