can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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