i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
