Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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