you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
