I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
