i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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