Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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