If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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