i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
