I accidentally had phone sex last night
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
