In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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