I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
