Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
