Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
