please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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