Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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