awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
