he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
