I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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