And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
