come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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