Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
