Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
