Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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