Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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