Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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