Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
