During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
