I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
