You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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