What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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