My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
