I didn't shave. On purpose
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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