I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
