So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
